Candy’s Tale: After the Healing

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Below you will find a bit I wrote from Candy’s perspective to help me see the ending to “Calamitares in Winter” more clearly. It may not make sense to anyone but me…but I thought it was a fun glimpse at Edmund from Candy’s point of view. I enjoy the way she sees him…the insight she provides is always pretty helpful. So here you are, may this find you having a wonderful day!

Thrashing about is simply not his style. Calmly assessing the situation, gathering facts before determining the next logical step; now that’s more Edmund. Yet, neither of these options was currently winning. Head hung low with elbows resting on knees, Edmund squats next to the rock wall (which appeared out of nowhere) listening intently.

Inactivity wears thin on me though, and after just a few minutes I feel my insides twitching. Biting my lip, I try to remain quiet while Edmund continues in his trance like state until only the taste of blood stops me. Left with no outlet for my nervous energy I begin frantically pacing, thinking through a way to motivate Edmund into the fight when finally, Edmund rises. Lips curled up in a grin, he pats the wall before taking my hand and leading me out of the once grand mountain chamber and into the residual mining tunnels; oddly serene despite our losses.

Magical magnetic forces may not bond us together, but I’ve always suspected that what Jason and I share runs equally as deep as that which ties Edmund to Emma. Maddening most of the time, there is no denying Jason can definitely get on my nerves. A fact he both knows and uses to his advantage often, but underneath it all runs a friendship I cannot understand.  I’d heard of him naturally, but flying with him that first time was extraordinary. We moved in synch without a word, our rhythm natural as breathing.  I’d never felt so comfortable with someone in the seat beside me, and there was no one I trusted more in a plane. Cringing at the thought, I chanced a glance to Edmund but he too seemed lost in his own world as we weaved through the insanity of the tunnels headed back towards the island. Catching my eye as I watched for any sign of understanding, he gave a single nod before looping his arm around me.

“Don’t be scared,” he said placing a kiss to my temple.  “We’ll get them back.”

Relief washed through me at his words, an ease that was just a little too apparent as Edmund eyed me curiously. Shrugging, I decided that if there was anyone I could trust to understand it was Edmund. “I’m a little more frightened of what to do once we get them back.”

Giving a single nod, Edmund replied, “Love changes things, but somehow I don’t think in your case there will be any difference.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you’ve both been in love since the moment you met…all you’ve really done is assure the other. But, it was always there.” Blushing, I was suddenly very thankful for the dimly lit tunnel which provided some measure of cover.

We walked on in silence for the remainder of the journey, Edmund following my lead without question even after two wrong turns down tunnels I’d swear were there earlier. It wasn’t until we reached the wide open mouth of the once rich mining company that the heaviness of the task before us weighed on my mind. Jason and Emma were now officially stuck in another world, and we had no idea which way to turn.

Grace stood on a ledge that overlooked the western portion of the island, lost somewhere in thought while Phillip chatted animatedly into a phone. Pleased by whatever he was hearing, he beckoned Edmund forth. “Neroli’s safe.” The words fell flat on Edmund. “Remember, he was with us at the vineyard this morning…but he wasn’t there with us in the tunnels once we woke up. He’s ok though, or was as of an hour ago.”

“Where is he,” I asked knowing Edmund was in no mood for his parents games. But the answer hit me before Phillip could respond, “The monastery?”

“That’s right, they say he headed into the cellar upon his arrival and they haven’t seen him since,” Phillip answered, his smile finding Grace’s as she pulled herself back from wherever it was her mind had taken her. She was relaxed, but perhaps too much so. Something about her just didn’t seem right. As if a portion of her was left behind. Not that it was any of my business of course, but I wondered what sort of torture she’d been made to endure.

“Rosetta should arrive any time now,” I offered hoping Grace would understand. Nodding she smiled at the suggestion. “You two go on, Edmund and I will go…” go where, I thought helplessly. Go save them, go get them back? How exactly were we to proceed? The reality of our situation began to drown any hope.

“Candy’s right, there’s nothing more you can do. We’ll start at the monastery…and go from there,” Edmund answered with a clipped tone that said don’t dare dispute. Turning, we found only James’s car and the tiny car Jason and I managed to swipe from Grace and Phillip earlier.

“We’ll take James’s car,” Phillip said with a smile to his son. “Apparently, he won’t need it.”

Rolling his eyes, Edmund made a move to get into the car before something sprang to life inside of him and forced him back towards his parents. Offering a quick yet awkward hug, they parted ways. Both sides still uncertain how to deal with the other.

Edmund: Avoiding Destiny

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Today I have for you a glimpse of Edmund years before the books begin. It takes place a few months after opening Taylum Air with Jason, and they have just selected Grand Junction as a hub. It was a decision I’ve always found odd, but below you will find out, as I did while I was writing the book, why. The back story is just fun to play with sometimes….enjoy!

Grand Junction, Colorado- not the sexiest place to have a hub or the most lucrative and yet I find signing the lease for office space shockingly easy. Signing the check is even easier, particularly as I internally calculate the distance from the hub to her vineyard; eleven and a half miles. So close I could actually reach out and touch her, though I know I won’t, which for now I accept.

“Ed, you set man,” Jason interrupts. Nodding absently, I try to ignore the churning in my gut at the thought of leaving. “How many weeks are there until the start of fall term?”

The reminder is less than subtle, but I brighten anyway and answer, “Three.”

“Not bad…considering.”

“True.” I realize he’s right, but I also know that even proximity alone shall soon not be enough. Sooner or later, Emma and I will have to face our destiny. Not that I remotely understand what that means, nor why each day I am overcome with two opposing forces; one longing to be near her, the other longing to protect her. Though nor do I understand what I am protecting her from. Is it me or is it the tragedy that befell my parents? Were they like me….did dad know? The questions haunt me as powerfully as the answers beckon to me from within the arms of a girl blissfully ignorant of her importance.

“I just hope…” I let the sentence hang. Jason knows too well what I hope and saying it out loud feels like tempting fate.

“You’ll have to face her sooner or later.”

“What do you think she’ll do…do you think she remembers?”

Grinning, Jason s simply walks away from the question. “Let’s get to work.”

Returning from the Gloom

Our perception creates our reality. From how we choose to perceive information from the ones we love to how involved we become in the books we read.  It is never what happens to us that is our reality; it is our response to what happens. I’ve spoken of this before, but recently I’ve taken a journey with an author that delved into an evil place and in the end was left in the gloom. There are lighter parts as well, but overall it is a bleak and doom filled vision that ends rather bleakly.  What really troubles me is not the negativity though, but the inability for the author to pull the character, and thus us, up from the depths of despair in order to see all the light around her.

It was a powerful read, though certainly not because I enjoyed it. What made this recent literary journey so powerful was the discovery that as an author I have accepted a certain obligation to my future readers.  As readers we trust the author to guide us through the emotional highs and lows of the characters. The author in turn accepts an unwritten code to guide their readers back to a place where everything may not be ok but where beauty can still be found. For in the end, no matter how dreary our perceptions of our worlds become, they are just that. Our own perceptions; and all we have to do in order to feel ok again is to turn our heads towards the light that I assure you is always around you.

Thankfully, today the gloom of that previous read has left me and I am again free to dip my feet into the cool clear Calamitares waters. Candy is waiting for me today, showing me a glimpse of Edmund’s journey after they leave Emma and Jason. She came to me in a dream and so far is showing me the path to the end, still 7 pages away. However, maybe this will help. It couldn’t hurt…she is, after all, so fun to play with.

Cheers, may the light find you wherever you are as well!

Choice

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As a Libra, balance is not only important but vital to my existence. Feeling passionate about my work without being obsessive; eating for pleasure while maintaining a good weight; keeping the house clean without spending every waking hour cleaning up after my family whose definition of clean rarely matches my own. These are just a few silly examples, but they more than anything help me to understand the delicate balance we all face within ourselves at a deeper level.

Whether we admit it or not, every last one of us possesses two distinctive sides; good and evil. These are residual effects of the most precious gift we are given upon birth. In every moment we get to make a choice, even if that choice is only how we react to the situation in which we find ourselves.  Breathing life into my characters, I find that they too are given choices. Following them in their journey, the closer I answer their decisions in a way that is honest, the more lifelike they become.

Answering these choices in the most truthful manner is usually easy. James, however, has always been the one exception. Until now! Today, I can for the first time say that I understand him completely. He’s made terrible decisions in life, and I’d never really felt much sympathy for him until, at last, I found the reason behind those decisions.

Growing up in a negative house where hatred of those who are different is a way of life, it would have been easy for him to fall in line with those who had gone before him. The centuries of self-appointed island stewards, his ancestors ruled over Isola de Lusso with an iron fist to any resembling those they fear; the Calamitares.  Yet, he did not give fully into this hatred. He found love, a love that is taken and returned over and over throughout the course of his life. Who is this evil witch and why does she infiltrate Leona, James’s wife? I have no idea, but I know that she is there and I know that despite his fear of her, James stayed with his wife. He did anything within his power to please the witch while protecting others from another threat growing under his very roof- Anthony, the son he refuses to accept could be his.  A son from whom James has protected Emma from her entire life and it is through this act that we see the goodness within.

Anthony, on the other hand, makes choices that suit him in the moment. Thinking neither of past nor future, his sole concentration is on what he wants in the moment.  He is perhaps the most difficult to write as I understand him the least. I know what choice he will make and I hate it. He is driven by the pain of others, and I am annoyed by his creation. Although, without his darkness perhaps we could not see Emma’s light.

Emma must face him; overcome him before the book can end. I know this, and know it is my avoidance of the darkness in life that has led to my current stagnation. Yet, Emma deserves better and so I shall finally return.

Lists

In homage to my dear friend, Prairie Girl, I have composed a list of my favorites. Songs, movies, things to do…who knows what this list will bring.

1. Never Going Back Again, byFleetwood Mac

2. Watching an entire movie series, in order, in one day. (Does it matter which one?)

3. Mumford and Sons, anything they sing is good.

4. Applying for and dreaming of a new job!

5. Crossing things off your to do list.

6. New Slang, by the Shins

7. My first concert, Red Rocks 198? Stevie Nicks- where I fell in love with concerts!

8. My second concert, U2

9. Wearing a paper skirt to Cyndi Lauper- ok we didn’t do this, but we did think we were WAY cool in our jean jackets! (We got there, saw the skirts and wished we’d thought of it too!)

10. Watching Goonies with my daughters

11. Watching my girls walk through a museum…awestruck, everytime!

12. Helping someone else in secret!

13. Walking outside just before dawn and watching the sunrise.

14. Reading Facebook posts. My friends are so goofy!

15. Hearing praise from someone I respect.

16. A fresh pot of soup!

17. Roasting marshmallows with Jer and the sweeties

18. Cracking inappropriate jokes during high-brow meetings.

19. Happy hour with friends- really, what is not to love?

20.Spending a quiet hour at a coffee shop!

Guilty Pleasures

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Back straight, elbows bent, fingers perched a breath away from the keys and yet no movement. My usually active mind is suddenly quiet. Nothing is there to be said. Which of course is something to say in itself, and so I begin, enjoying the feeling of the keys pressing with ease beneath the pads of my fingers. The delicate clicking becomes like a song the more I type. With nothing but the sound and movement to keep me moving forward I find the block break loose until, at last, I have something to say.

Edmund and Emma have been stuck in a forest for over a month. Placed in the same positions I left them in awaiting my courage to return and finish the last seven pages. Yes dear readers, seven pages from the end and yet I am stuck. Any number of things could receive the brunt of the blame, though in reality there is no blame as there is no fault. At least not according to the pages written by my latest guru; according to this successful man, every dream must first pass through the law of germination. Which, if you look to nature sort of makes sense. When you plant a seed, does the tree bear fruit the next day, week or even month? Not ever, well of course unless Emma is doing the planting and then of course all laws of nature are thrown out the window, but in my humble world I’m afraid they are very much in control. Whether I know about them or not, so it stands to reason that the more I know about these natural laws which tend to control our universe, the happier I will be to wait until such a time as life and art cross paths and I find myself finishing the last pages.

Which brings me to this moment, where sitting in a coffee shop, awaiting a storm that is making its arrival known, I sit and read the wall. Guilty Pleasures is the topic du jour and I cannot help but smile at the entries as a full half of them are mine as well. There is one not up there though, my own greatest guilty pleasure- reading my novel. Even typing the words causes pink to fill my cheeks, and it is true. I pride myself in knowing addictive literature. Wizards, vampires, demi-gods, not to mention that girl with the bow and arrow…I have been addicted to them all. So it stands to reason, I hope, that my book in turn will be addictive to me as we write what we love. Wow, so self-centered today, more blushing.

The pages of the book, to which I am addicted, stare back at me. Open on the tool bar next to the page on which I write these words. Emma’s world, patiently awaiting its creator to return and finish the task at hand, but perhaps first I’ll just read a few pages.

Cheers- here’s to procrastination and guilty pleasures!

Sabatoge

Sabotage; a word that represents the deliberate damage we are capable of inflicting upon each other and a state I find myself drowning in right now. Mine is of the self-inflicted variety, and even though I can’t begin to know how to change it, I think I am finally beginning to understand it. Sometimes, just knowing what to fix truly is a gift in itself.

Aging is truly a blessing, of this I have been always a true believer. Yet, never more so than this very moment, where I sit at the age of thirty-six and feel grateful to both understand the circular nature of my life and be given enough time to fix it and still achieve my dreams, sans sabotage!

As with all things, I admit I did not awaken to this on my own, or very easily. Hints at first, the truth has been knocking at my door for a few years now, yet today I am finally ready to embrace the truth. I can now admit that I sabotage the good things in my life. Why? Well, who knows, though I imagine fear plays a great role, but in the end I find that why doesn’t matter so much as what. What do I do now that I am aware?

Thankfully, I am not the first human to walk these lands. There have been many great minds that came before me, and I am grateful a few of them were able to document in written form the details of this very problem along with how to fix it. Yes dear friends, as always I have found the answers I seek in a book and as always I am in love again with the written word. Though, today I am more in love with those who have persevered before me to get their works published. It’s simply a daunting undertaking, yet in the end here I am. Benefitting because another writer took to the page, sweated bullets over each word until it was perfect, and then sent it off to be published. Who knows how long it too, though I am guess even this great author had to send it out to a few before the job was finally done. Yet in the end they won, they were able to get their book out into the world so that ten years after it was first published, I could stumble upon it in a bookshop and be awakened.

Simultaneous to the awareness of my devilish nature to crush my own happiness before others can crush it for me; I have also realized that my life is driven by a single purpose. To inspire others to greatness! What I didn’t realize this meant, was that the ultimate way to inspire millions to find their own greatness within it to achieve it myself! So off I go, to finish book one, to finish this great book I am reading, and to finally put a stopper on my inner saboteur.

Faking It

The winds of change are blowing around me. Tugging at the core of my being in a misguided attempt to create the atmosphere desired. “Fake it until to make it,” is making quite the rounds at the job lately and for once I am standing firm on the cornerstone of who I am.  I refuse to believe that walking around with a false smile pasted to my face really creates a happy workplace. Shockingly, I find it more important to actually care enough to find out why my fellow employees are sad.

It could be said that I am merely stubborn. It could also be said that faking happiness is the surest way to actually being happy. I, however, do not believe in either of these two statements. For me, emotions are powerful, magical, and above all the last shred of reality we cling to in an often unreal world. Thoughts have power as well; I couldn’t write the books I do if I didn’t believe this to be a fact. Yet emotions are my real passion. They are the fuel behind the magic of it all. Think about what you want, visualize it in every detail, and then…feel it! It is the love you pour into your thoughts. That’s the real magic!

Don’t get me wrong, I am a brilliant liar. In fact, rarely do I tell a story that doesn’t improve upon the truth in some fashion or another. What sort of writer would I be if I couldn’t embellish a good yarn? Yet, emotions do not exist on the same plane and rarely are ours to control. We can contain the external indicators of our emotions, but we cannot ever fake that which we do not feel.  Telling a lie is one thing, but falsifying an emotion is just deceitful. Love, joy, passion, desire, hate, anger, and jealousy are all amazing feelings and provide the depth to our very existence. They are precious and tangible and connected to heart.  Why would one ever demand anything less than what we are truly feeling?

“Just be happy.” Nope, that simply doesn’t work for me. I say just be real. Be in love, be in anger, be passionate, but joyous and be honest with yourself. The human heart will always know the difference anyway!

The Cycle of Love

Feisty! That’s the only word to describe Emma’s mood today and thus my own to be honest. It’s rather pathetic I realize, but my moods tends to reflect what I am both reading and writing. The book I am reading, Juliet by Anne Fortier, is brilliant but right now Juliet is lamenting her distrust of Romeo. Added to that, Emma’s own irritation with Edmund and I’m just in a mood. It’s all very fun of course, since in reality I lead a quite idyllic life- not that I don’t find plenty to whine about anyway- but, it’s fun to feel the pangs of a broken heart, the flutters of first love, and the boiling blood of that first fight.

Reality offers us only a few chances at any of these emotions. Deep yet fleeting, they are the sweet moments we hearken back to on those rough days fourteen years later when things have well…settled. The sparks don’t fly with quite the same frequency they used to and the little things, once so charming, now repel.

Disheartened, we escape into a book, wondering why we bothered to begin with. Yet love will not be denied. Clutching onto even the slightest hint of romance in the story, we find ourselves reading long into the night, addicted to a tale that reminds us why we fell in love and voila! We get to start the cycle all over again.

Like Emma, a dear friend has found herself experiencing all the highs and lows of a new romance, and with her journey I find myself checking back on my heroine to ensure her own emotional journey is genuine. Gladly, I find that it is and in its truth I am drawn in all over again. Yet not just to my manuscript but to my own love as well. For fourteen years we have travelled loves road. Falling in and out of love more times than I can count, but we always manage to return to our baseline; a profound friendship precious beyond measure.

Ah, the joys of Love.

Hope

Lurking around every dark corner it sits, patiently waiting for us so find it. To fight our urge to panic and notice it’s presence. It is a subtle yet powerful emotion, and when offered by a friend can act like a life preserver carrying us to safety. It is powerful and loving. It is hope.

I believe there is an opponent we all face. It takes many shapes, from the voice in your head telling you you’re wasting your time to the painful words by others that with their sting confirm our darkest fears. No matter what form it takes though, the opponent has one purpose only- to remove every shred of hope in its path.

Perhaps the opponent exists so that we might better appreciate hope when it finds us? Just as darkness makes us appreciate the light? I’m not sure. All I know is that today the opponent has lost and I am filled with hope. I am filled with love for this world I’ve been given to play in and I am filled with a renewed sense of self.

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